


I crave Love that I don't deserve

by Pure Angst (Luke_2020)



Series: Too Broken to Love [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Cutting, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Isolation, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:28:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26450404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luke_2020/pseuds/Pure%20Angst
Summary: Connor is emotionally dependent. On its own, it is not too bad. The problem is that even being shown the barest hint of kindness, Connor is head over heels. On top of that, he can't believe that someone could truly like him. At least he has a reason for that, and it's because he's emotionally abusive. He doesn't try to be, it just happens. All Connor can do is isolate himself to protect the people he cares about from himself.
Relationships: Connor & Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson & Connor
Series: Too Broken to Love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922662
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	I crave Love that I don't deserve

**Author's Note:**

> TW: At one point Connor cuts his genitals and I have a warning for where it starts and ends.

It’s been a few days since Connor shredded his thighs. They were healing to some extent. It didn’t help that he picked at the scabs. In his room, as always, Connor checked his socials. For some reason, he got too overly attached to strangers on the internet. They always seemed nicer. 

So far he’s already ruined a mere acquaintance-ship with one person, and he believed that he made another person extremely uncomfortable. Sure, they follow him back and sometimes likes his shit, but something just felt off. Probably because they stopped writing actual responses to the things he spews. 

One thing was the smoking gun, the poor user name that he all but moans was friends with the first person he messed everything up with. He probably got exposed for being the dependent cunt that he was. Fair enough. He sighed, tossed his phone away, and pulled out his razor blade. He needed to make another deep gash to join the rest, like a tally mark of all of the relationships he’s fucked up. 

Connor then laid back on his bed. He felt like he was going to throw up. Why the hell did he care so much anyway? They’ve only exchanged a few sentences online. How the fuck did he get so damn attached? The anxiety clawing at his gut made his nausea worse. 

All he wanted was to hear his phone ding, to see a nice, small positive message from the guy to let him know that he doesn’t hate him. At least not yet. He definitely knows that the person doesn’t like him. He just didn’t want to make another enemy.

He doesn’t even know this damn person’s name. 

How fucking pathetic is that?

Connor wrapped up his thighs and snuck out to the kitchen. This problem didn’t start when he first went on social media. Even from a young age, someone who was just kind to him -showing the barest amount of human decency- he fell so hopelessly in love with. The same just stayed with him to the digital world.

He discretely stole two beers from under the sink. If he took any from the fridge, Hank would notice that they’re gone and that the replacements were too warm to be sitting there overnight.

He threw them back, and checked his phone in vain. Oh. He… got a reply. Somehow, it still felt… Wrong. 

Connor sat dumbfounded on the couch. Sumo waddled over and placed his big head in his lap. The dog whined, and gave Connor big, pleading eyes. He could probably smell Connor bleeding every which way.

Connor put his phone away. He promised himself countless times to not talk to people, real or digital, whenever he got like this. Everytime he would, he’d fall down a pit kicking and screaming to take the other person down with him.

The worst part is that he used to have friends who knew that Connor was too insecure. They would always sweetly tell him that they  _ really did like him.  _ God, how did he change that. All by accident. 

That night, after watching some TV with Hank due to his insistence, Connor was listening to confessions of people. Out of the near hundred he heard, one made him sick.

It was about a woman who was so fed up with dealing with her husband’s mental illness, she just wants for him to just kill himself already. Connor listened intently. The harsh words the woman used to describe her relationship with her husband showed just how much she  _ hated  _ him. She was so tired of listening to her husband piss and moan about feeling worthless and that no one loves him.

Connor sank into his sheet. It was… an enlightening experience to say the least. The part that stuck out to him is that the woman still pretends to love her husband. She still pretends to support him. He pretends to love every day with thim. He pretends that he’s not a burden. Hank pretends to love him.

To help himself sleep, Connor then played another confession read aloud about a man who deeply regretted adopting his son because of his mental illnesses made him an insufferable abusive monster. 

Connor passed out after hearing the comment “Everyone pretends that if you love them enough that they can be saved. They won’t change. You can’t save them.”

The next morning, Connor got dressed for work and headed out. He started to pull up the files on his desktop that he needed for the day, when one of his co-workers came up to him.

“We played uno by the lake! Josh had 12 points, Nines had…  _ nine,  _ and Kara and I both tied for last at five points.” Connor looked up at Markus.

“That’s a lot of uno.” He added a snort, but it wasn’t even that funny. Connor stared into his heterochromatic eyes. The way that they held a determined look with a face so friendly pissed Connor off so badly.

“Oh Josh made a scoring system. It was only four games.” Discomfort settled deeply within Connor. Suddenly he wanted Markus to just go away. Why can’t Connor just do his work? Why does he have to try to make friends? 

Without skipping a beat Connor added “A scoring system? For Uno?” Sarcasm dripped heavily in each word. Connor froze. Did he just say it like that? He just said it like that. What a lovely impression for someone he barely knew. 

It was Markus’ turn to look uncomfortable. “He just, I don’t know, likes it I guess.” Markus shuffled away, and Connor just wanted to throw up. Too bad he was on Omeprazol which basically forced his brea… dinner from last night down. 

Connor threw himself at his work to help forget all of what happened today. Of course he said that. Of course the one chance at maybe having a friend, he threw it away. But Connor knew it was better this way. Connor has ruined every. Single. Relationship. At least he got it out early that he’s an asshole.

Connor went home that day and took a wonderful shower. He shaved his thighs and broke up the scabs that formed. The light pink water was beautiful. This is what he deserves. Connor then quickly hopped out of the shower to grab his special blade. Back in the warm, welcoming, water Connor placed the blade against very sensitive skin.

\--WARNING: Connor starts cutting his genitals here--

He loved too easily. He destroyed too easily. Connor made a small cut on his genitals. It hurt like absolute hell. He cursed himself, and made another small cut on his shaft. Connor then lifted his penis and stared at the head. Gently a corner of the blade was pressed into the small hole. Blood instantly beaded on Connor’s skin, despite not putting much pressure on it. Pain stung all throughout Connor’s body. He pressed the blade down harder.

The pain was absolutely horrific. Connor retreated his hand. Time fizzled by before he returned his hand back down to his crotch. He then cut his cock once more on its shaft. He then worked down to the base, and then to his testicles. It hurt badly, in a way that felt deserved.

After getting out of the shower, Connor dressed quickly and went to the living room. Hank sat next to him on the couch and put on a movie. He wrapped an arm around Connor, but Connor knew that it was fake.

**Author's Note:**

> Ow it hurts so good. Please, comments help my fragile self-esteem.


End file.
